Jesse is leaving on a four month deployment in a few short weeks. This will be our fourth deployment that we've been through together, but our first since Hunter was born. I've stayed strong and held back the tears, but internally the emotions are starting to come to a head. It almost feels like a dark cloud is slowly rolling in over my heart. This is how is always is. The anticipation of beingwithout Jesse for months at a time is always a little tougher than during the actual deployment, atleast that's how it is for me. Once Jesse is gone, I have so many responsiblilities to handle on my own, that I just do it without thinking twice about it. But it's during those weeks leading up to the deployment that things get tough. I pick fights, allow myself to be negative, throw myself a pity party, question my strength, push my husband away so that I stop relying on him, and the list goes on and on.
Wednesday night, Jesse was gone until late. I was tired from the long day of waking up before 5am, working a nine hour day, picking up Hunter, going to the gym, and making dinner. My mind started playing games with me and I begun thinking about how I was going to do this on my own for four months. How am I going to find the energy to play with Hunter, bath him, and put him to bed by myself after such long days for months at a time?! I can't do this alone!
Then, my son crawled onto my lap and came in to land a big kiss right on my lips and let out the most refreshing belly laugh. It made me feel better.
Then we went up stairs and I was changing his diaper and I was teasing him saying "Hey, Hey, Hey" in a deep voice and he was giggling away. I picked him up and we both looked at each other and at the exact same time, we both said "Hey, Hey, Hey!". We both began to laugh hysterically.
That moment, when we were both doubled over in laughter, is all I needed. I need that glimpse of hope to help me pull through. I know I will be just fine. I will miss my husband terribly, but I will get through it and I will still find joy and happiness during that time. I will still go to the gym, meet up with friends, enjoy my family, and especially laugh with our beautiful son.