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Friday, April 8, 2011

Glimpses of Hope

Jesse is leaving on a four month deployment in a few short weeks. This will be our fourth deployment that we've been through together, but our first since Hunter was born. I've stayed strong and held back the tears, but internally the emotions are starting to come to a head. It almost feels like a dark cloud is slowly rolling in over my heart. This is how is always is. The anticipation of beingwithout Jesse for months at a time is always a little tougher than during the actual deployment, atleast that's how it is for me. Once Jesse is gone, I have so many responsiblilities to handle on my own, that I just do it without thinking twice about it. But it's during those weeks leading up to the deployment that things get tough. I pick fights, allow myself to be negative, throw myself a pity party, question my strength, push my husband away so that I stop relying on him, and the list goes on and on.

Wednesday night, Jesse was gone until late. I was tired from the long day of waking up before 5am, working a nine hour day, picking up Hunter, going to the gym, and making dinner. My mind started playing games with me and I begun thinking about how I was going to do this on my own for four months. How am I going to find the energy to play with Hunter, bath him, and put him to bed by myself after such long days for months at a time?! I can't do this alone!

Then, my son crawled onto my lap and came in to land a big kiss right on my lips and let out the most refreshing belly laugh. It made me feel better.

Then we went up stairs and I was changing his diaper and I was teasing him saying "Hey, Hey, Hey" in a deep voice and he was giggling away. I picked him up and we both looked at each other and at the exact same time, we both said "Hey, Hey, Hey!". We both began to laugh hysterically.

That moment, when we were both doubled over in laughter, is all I needed. I need that glimpse of hope to help me pull through. I know I will be just fine. I will miss my husband terribly, but I will get through it and I will still find joy and happiness during that time. I will still go to the gym, meet up with friends, enjoy my family, and especially laugh with our beautiful son.

5 comments:

  1. You make me cry! It is going to be so hard... and I really admire your strength. I've always said that I'm WAY to selfish to be an military wife... I don't think I could handle it. You're so strong and you're going to be fine! And you've got a sweetie boy to help you get by. I'll be praying for you.

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  2. JD was gone for 6 months when Beatrice was 2 months old. (He was in the Federal Academy). It was really hard to be without him, but taking care of Beatrice was not as hard as I thought. I just did what had to be done for our little baby/family. The hard part was being lonely and missing my husband. It really did fly by though. I will keep all of you in my prayers.

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  3. I told Geoff you looked a bit Sad at work that day I was standing next to you on the phone. I can't imagine handling things as well as you are. You are obviously strong enough to blog about it :) And I'd hang out with you more if you lived in the valley. Geoff and I are always looking for a little entertainment, we can come over when you need the company! Or have you come our way. At least you have your family near by, just think if you didn't have them!!!! -love Tera

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  4. I realy feel all your emotions. When our 4 kids were real small Rog worked nites and I worked days. We wrote notes and maybe saw each other an hour a day during a stressful time of getting kids ready for school or bed. It makes your time together very precicous and appreciated and never take it for granted. It also makes for a lot of memories. I send you all, Grandpa and my love. Gram. E.T.

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  5. I can't begin to imagine what that's like to have your spouse be deployed. You will do an amazing job though and you've got a lot of support and strength behind you!

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Jesse is active duty Air Force and is originally from southern Minnesota. He has also managed to become a follower of just about every hobby known to man (which drives his wife crazy!).

Henry was born on July 4, 2007. His hobbies include playing with his squeaker toys, barking a little girls, dock jumping, going to the dog park, and being spoiled rotten by his grandparents.
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